My score on the example Q-Sort test is a 47. According to Rogers, if I had self-acceptance, I would have a perfect 100. The words I chose in the Q-Sort test for adjectives that describe me are: shy, happy, funny, lazy, optimistic, weak, depressed, honest, relaxed, and energetic. The adjectives I wished described me were: intelligent, happy, organized, attractive, kind, funny, strong, honest, optimistic, out-going. Only four out of the ten adjectives were found on both my lists. This meant there were six adjectives I strive for but do not see within myself. Therefore, often I do not accept who I am. Every day I want to be different; I aim to be better.
Rogers talks about the real-self and ideal-self and how these two result in incongruity that causes neurosis. This clearly answers why I feel depressed sometimes. Sometimes, I feel withdrawn from the world. I want to curl up in my bed and scroll through Tik-Tok videos or watch Chinese TV Shows. I am experiencing a certain amount of incongruence. Many of the adjectives I chose that describe me are not all bad adjectives. However, the adjectives I chose that I wished to describe me are adjectives I strive for more. When meeting new people or strangers, I can only imagine and fake my way to be out-going and intelligent. I can make myself look more attractive by putting on makeup or wearing flashier clothes. In reality, though, I am not close to being that. I am usually in denial. I have this defense mechanism that waves people away, which ignores the issues at hand. For example, after I wake up sober from college parties, I will rethink what went on last night and immediately try to forget about any stupid decisions I made. Another example of denial is when the semester ends, I always am afraid of checking my grades. I have the fear of failing; the need to deny that I had a terrible semester. Sometimes I get anxiety thinking about the grades I receive and what my parents will say about them that I will straight up deny to them that grades have not come out yet and are still pending.
I also have struggles receiving unconditional positive regard. Ironically, I have always joked with friends that no matter what I do, my parents will not disown me. This is not because they have unconditional positive regard towards me. I have this belief that because I am an only child, they cannot disown me. If my parents disown me, who else other than me will inherit their name and take after them. I receive mainly conditional positive regard from my parents. I get approval and love when I am that ideal child. For example, as long as my grades are maintained above a C, I am considered behaving well. Similarly, I am pleased with myself when my grades are above a C too. Rogers considers this as conditional positive self-regard. I like myself because I am living up to my parents’ standards, and not my potential. Getting a bad grade does not mean I am terrible at the subject. Sometimes I understand the course but obtained a C because I understood the whole subject after doing all the homework and taking all the tests. Another example of conditional positive regard is being what society expects me to be. As an Asian American, society expects that I am good at math, thus I have always strive to be the #1 math student in the year. I even joined math team in high school to continue living the stereotype. Another example of conditional positive self-regard is pretending to be someone I am not. When a crush like to baked goods, I tried to learn how to bake in order to impress him. However I was only trying to be good at baking due to someone else’s wish. In reality, I am better at cooking food, and I should have used home-cooked meals as a way to astound him.
If I had self-acceptance, I would be a fully-functional person. Rogers describes five characteristics to a fully-functioning person. The first characteristic is called “Open to Experience”. This characteristic means that one accepts both positive and negative emotions. Off the bat, I am at a bad start. I find it hard and difficult to accept positive and negative emotions. For example, when someone praises me, I brush it off. I do not let my mind linger around on the compliment. This may be because of the self-worth image my parents have imprinted on me as a child. Growing up, they taught me to be a humble person and never stop striving for better. I remember once in elementary school, I came home with a 100% on a math test. My dad asked me why I did not get 102%. There was an extra credit question on the test, but since I got one wrong, the extra credit covered the mistake and made it seem like I got a perfect score. However, my dad knew it was not a perfect score and scolded me for being careless. He also reprimanded me for being over-confident that I could out-smart him and hide my imperfection with an extra-credit question. Another instance is when I started to play the Erhu. The Erhu is a traditional Chinese string instrument. When I played the Erhu in front of American audiences, many would be in awe. However, my parents would brush the awe off and comment on how people are only in awe and think my performance was cool because they have never seen or heard of true playing of the instrument. This may be true; however, the image of my self-worth declines when they brush off something that could have meant the world to me. If my parents were not so harsh on me, maybe my ideal self-worth would not be so low. I would not always be endeavoring to be someone worthy of others.
Another example is when something too good happens. For instance, I was having a bad day. I got back a test and did worse than expected, the professor did not like the work I did for the studio, and I missed dinner at the dining hall. At the last possible moment, I found out I was robbed. Someone got ahold of my wallet and took all my cash out of it. On the upside, one of my friends got hold of this news and went out and bought me K-Plate for dinner. He did not even want payment in return. It was a positive deed, something I should have been thrilled about. However, after he gave me the food and left, I went back mulling over the terrible day, unable to be positive at all. An example of not being able to take on negative emotions is when I lost a music competition. In the middle of the music, I froze and forgot the music score. Not surprisingly, I did not place. I was really upset that I practiced so much, but yet, froze on the stage. It took my music teacher to talk me out of being sad from this experience. Although I had stage fright from that experience, my teacher persuaded me to try again, and the next time I was on stage I did not freeze up. Another example of negative emotions is when I failed one of the structures exams due to misreading the problem. I ended up with a bad grade and a terrible GPA, but I took the class again the following year, practiced many backtests problems, and ended with a better grade.
The second characteristic is described as “Existential Living”. In this characteristic, Rogers emphasizes how a fully functional person will live in the moment. Unfortunately, I am not someone who fully lives in the moment. In hard, stressful times, I will either reminisce of the past or look forward to imagining myself in the future. For example, sometimes when I am up at 2 AM powering through work, I would think about how I used to be able to call my ex-best friend around these early hours. She would still be awake, pick up and talk to me, entertaining my boredom. Another instance is when my parents are arguing. Sometimes the argument escalates to one of them storming off. I would be in my room and I would just remember about the time when we were all enjoying each other’s presence window shopping or laughing over a story at dinner. A major example of not living in the moment I have is when I went back to Hong Kong a few years after the passing of my grandparents’ deaths. This experience hit me the hardest. I remember my dad taking us to a hotel to live in for the first time while staying in Hong Kong. This, to me, was a big change. We used to live in my grandparents’ apartment when visiting Hong Kong to save money. However, after their passing the family sold their apartment. Even the other littlest changes left an impression on me. Like, during our taxi ride to the hotel. I noticed that the taxi turned off the highway earlier, towards the direction of the hotel, than it would if it went to my grandparents’ apartment. I remember that when I looked out the window at my grandparents’ apartment, all I would see is more and more of the city. The hotel window, instead, was a view of the sea. Instead of enjoying my vacation in Hong Kong, I spent many days comparing the differences in lifestyle and surrounding environment I was in at that time to my past times in Hong Kong. This “living in the past” phase of mine did not stop even after that trip. Last year when I went to China as part of a study abroad program, I stopped in Hong Kong for a few days. By myself, I took some time to revisit the old section my grandparents’ used to live in. I even went to the mall that was next to my grandparents’ apartment and retraced the steps I used to take with my grandmother. I took the present time I should have used to explore more of Hong Kong to relive the days I had with my grandparents.
I do not only desire to live in the past, I sometimes prefer to picture of the future. Whenever I am having present-day struggles, I sit back and think about some time in the future I am looking forward to. For instance, I would ignore how this paper is due and instead think about how I am getting all you can eat sushi this weekend. Another example is when I am in line to present my midterm final project. I was nervous the critics would not approve of my project or understand where I wanted to take my research. So instead of listening to other people’s midterm, I was sitting in the review imagining how that night’s architecture creepy crawl was going to turn out. I envisioned my friends and me getting drunk, dancing, and having a bunch of fun together. Other future thoughts I have during former architecture reviews is being in bed after I am done with presentations, imagining all the dreams I will get once I am sleeping, and enjoying a nice, stomach-filling meal.
The third characteristic is known as “Organismic trusting”. Rogers says for this characteristic one should always trust oneself and do whatever one feels like is right. This is one characteristic I believe I have achieved. I often like to listen to my gut feeling, my sixth sense. For instance, I started school at a private catholic school that went from K-12 grade. I used to believe I would stay in this school for all grade levels. However, through and through each year, surrounded by the same 56 children since kindergarten, my life and personality were boring and messed-up. When choosing high schools, I had the choice to stay within the same school, same environment and continue my education with the same people I have known for the past 9 years, or change to a different private catholic school and meet different people in a new environment. At the very last moment, I chose to change schools. While I knew there would be struggles in fitting in a new environment, my gut feeling was that I needed a change in scenery. Changing schools between middle school and high school felt right to me.
Even my decision for coming to Rensselaer was organismic trusting. My first time at RPI was Accepted Students Day, and I was blown away by the school. Immediately I knew I had to come here. It felt right. I felt at home when I was touring the main campus. I could imagine myself at RPI. I did not get any of these feelings at other colleges I visited. When the opportunity to go study abroad in China presented itself, I had a few concerns that prevented me from immediately saying yes. One of my concerns was that I just started as a Resident Assistant, and I did not want to abandon my freshmen. It would also seem unprofessional to leave the job halfway through the year. Nevertheless, I have always wanted to go to China. This was a prime opportunity to take. At the same time, another concern was about one of my most important friendships was falling apart. I was conflicted about whether leaving or not leaving would affect the outcome. Still, my pull and desire to go to China was strong and won over, thus I went. I trusted that even when I go to China, things back in America would work itself out. Sometimes even befriending people is based on what I feel is right. I am known to have weird friends, but all these weird friends I have made have grown to be strong and worth-wild.
Other examples include many late-night adventures I partake in. For example, I was at a party with some friends when another friend, Isabella, called me up asking if I wanted to go biking. I told her earlier in the week that I have always liked biking at night due to the peacefulness and calm feeling I get when there are no cars on Burdett Ave. Trusting my gut feeling, I left the party and went to grab a bike to ride with Isabella and Allyson. It was around midnight and cold, about 20 degrees outside. I was still wearing tights. Yet, we rode our bikes up and down Burdett Ave multiple times. Trudging uphill, and racing downhill many times. It was one of the best late-night adventures I had. Another example of trusting myself and letting my instincts takeover is when I went to my first college party by myself. I was nervous and shy at first, but I took the first step and approached some people. I let myself drive the conversation and naturally made my first friend, then a second friend, then a bunch of friends at the party.
The fourth characteristic is called “Experiential freedom”. This characteristic talks about having free-will to do whatever and taking responsibility for any consequences. This characteristic relates a lot to me. One time, freshman year, I spent a lot of time watching an anime show with my friend Jessica. Then I got a boyfriend and did not have time between dating and homework to watch anime with Jessica. I found out through a mutual friend that Jessica was sad that I was not spending time with her due to dating. She said, and I quote “Casey stole Amy from me”. This phrase got me laughing later on, and from then on, I made time to spend with Jessica again. Managing time between academics and social life was simple back in freshman year. Now as a 5th year, I got many different friend groups I like to hang out with. Often people will joke and envy how many friends and groups of friends I have. My response to them is that I worked hard over the years to build up many of these friendships. Sometimes I hang out one group more often since we all like to go out to college parties. If someone says I hang out too little with them, who are they to judge that? I have the freedom to choose whom I like to hang out with. However, if it is true that I have been neglecting hanging out with others, I will own up to it and make effort and time to spend with them. If they are being petty and are wrong though, I will tell them straight out how I feel. If they do not like my answer, I will deal with the repercussions.
An example of taking advantage of my freedom is when on study abroad in China, three of my friends and I wanted to leave Shanghai by ourselves and hike a mountain three hours by bullet train away. Our professor did not want us to go due to the liability of us going so far and doing something so dangerous. However, we planned out the trip and turned in liability waivers. I also knew Chinese, so we had the freedom to travel around without fear of getting lost. On top of that, I later returned to Hong Kong and met up with my parents and relatives, I told them about my experience hiking a mountain in China. During this story, I recalled the dangers and trouble we faced when climbing the steep steps and slope of the mountain at night. At the conclusion of the story, my relatives turned to my parents and scolded them for not stopping me from taking this trip. My parents, in return, said that I never told them I was embarking on this journey. They all turned to me and reprimanded me for being for so recklessness. I sat there taking in their lecturing. I faced the consequence for sharing with them all about my wild adventure. I noted to myself to never tell stories of any wild and dangerous adventures to my family and relatives. They could not look past the fact of danger and towards the light of me taking on new challenges and being courageous.
Lastly, the fifth characteristic is “Creativity”. Rogers talks about how one is compelled by their nature to help others with their self-actualization. Creativity can also be the ability to adapt, change, and endeavor in new experiences. Recently, two of my best friends are having a fallout with each other. Using my experience in falling out with my ex-best friend, I am trying to mitigate the pain and anxiety from both of them. Allyson is going through a rough patch due to the recent termination of her long-distance relationship. Martina is going through a cleansing period of which friends she wants to keep. Martina feels like Allyson is not putting enough effort into their friendships and is getting tired of being the support structure to their friendship. Allyson is trying to branch out more, met other people, and make more friends. She realizes she is a bit late to the game but is trying to get out of her shell more and become more social. Unfortunately, this means Allyson is focusing most of her time away from the house, which they live together in. I have been through to talk to Martina, getting her to understand what Allyson is doing. Martina is salty at the feeling that Allyson abandoning her, but Martina herself is self-realizing how clingy she was becoming. I am talking to Allyson, having her piece together who she is and whom she wants to be. I have been helping her find things she enjoys, like attending a few college parties here and there. She has been taking tiny steps towards enjoying some thrills in life.
Another example of creativity is how easily I am at adaption. As an only child, when I go to a new place, a new environment, I have struggled to fit in. However, every new experience has a light at the end. I observe my surroundings and change to adapt and reach that light at the end. This past summer, my co-worker and boss have repetitively talked about their observations of how I adapt to a new environment. I get a general sense of the workroom and conform. I understood workroom dynamics. I knew whom to joke and laugh with, whom to keep on their feet, and who to be polite and formal towards.
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