The Revelation

One day, I wake up, and it’s all over.
Closing my eyes, closing my heart…closing myself from the world.
That moment when it’s too hard to smile…
Too hard to put on a mask.

That moment when I’m thrown into the world….and I can’t enjoy it.

That’s when I know,
I need to find myself again.
That’s when I know,
I’m broken.

Stepping aside…
Giving myself space…
it’s what I need.
Breath girl, breath.

I’m foolish.
I’m closed off.
It’s like,
I’m protective of myself.

Trust?
That’s what we had,
but now pretending to give.
The truth is…

Where are we now?

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Sometimes…it Ends up being Too Late

It was peaceful, standing there.
It was me,
surrounded by friends.
Best friends.

There were roads, paths,
each one had a choice, many choices.
As long as I walked,
We walked together.

So many choices,
made together…and apart.
So many choices,
but still, we walked together.

But slowly,
without noticing,
the paths started to separate.
Slowly.

Slowly,

roads diverged.
I never noticed…
I never knew.

I thought we were only an arm’s length away,
but in reality,
we were already too far.
Who moved?

It wasn’t me,
It wasn’t you…
Somehow we ended here.
Somehow we ended at odds.

Though I may have neglected you.
Though I may have pushed you aside.
Though I may have…
taken you for granted.

I did everything thinking,
you’d always be by my side.
I made choices,
because I thought you’d always understand.

I said what I wanted.
Even though I knew words hurt people.
I said what I wanted,
because I knew you loved me enough.

But that was an ideal situation.
We are only human, after all…
What I meant, was taken differently.
Where I was selfish, there were consequences.

You have your life.
I should have known that.
It was a double edge sword…
to always fall back on you.

My selfiness, turned on me.
I think,
You think…
We all thought…it was easy.

We’re only human, after all.
I had my ideals.
You had your opinions.
We each had our individuality.

I don’t…can’t blame anyone.
It’s how it is now.
It’s how it’s going to be…
for now.

But I’m here,
I swear,
I won’t move any further away.
I miss you.

Maybe we’ll find our way back to each other again.

-BlackTealways

Because you know

Because you know I only believe in what I see before me.

Because you know  I only have my thoughts, my opinions.

Because you know I won’t listen when I’m annoyed.

Because you know there’s nothing you can do to stop who I’m becoming.

Because you know I’m always lonely, yet I push everyone away.

Because you know I’m too scared to say anything.

Because you know I coop myself up in my room and watch romance dramas….dreaming of a day to find my knight in shining armor.

Because you know I know…that I’ll never find one.

Because you know I already gave up on my dreams.

Because you know I hate this world.

Because you know I start throwing random tantrums with and without people around.

Because you know I rather suffer in quiet then tell someone.

Because you know I want to run outside in teh dark and just scream and cry, but I don’t.

Because you know I…..I might be suicidal.

Because you know that I smile….and fake smile.

Because you know I hide from the truth.

Because you know I tell everyone to never regret, but I regret many things.

Because you know…I’ll never tell anyone everything.

Because you know…I rather everyone come to hate me, come to judge me, come to their own conclusions then defend myself.

Because you know I cry…for the past.

Because you know I can’t walk away…I can never walk away.

Because you know I’ll never forget…anything.

Because you know…

that I don’t believe you know me.

When do you stop?

The question is…when do you stop?

When did I stop? I stopped when I made the decision. When I decided, “It’s the end.” When I was finished with feeling a hole inside myself…when I was finished being a “depressed” version of myself. When I stood outside in the night and felt this wash of chills and sadness blow over me….I was done. I was done being that way. I was done with all of the above.

So I stopped.

I took a night…and just cried. I just cried my heart out, cried everything out. I cried for being in college, I for being stressed, I cried for the past, the friendship I fucked over…I cried for all of the above.

But most of all….I cried over him. AND THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I DID CRY, for him.

That’s when you stop.

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05/13/2016

Loneliest Road

Wow, this is an odd saved post (2 years ago in fact) I never posted….hm….I shall just “drop” this here then. 🙂

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There’s this really nice fanfiction story called “Loneliest Road” by ExecutiveShrimp. It’s around 12 chapters, and 120,000 words. Scary no? It’s a tedious story, but a good one…especially if you grasp the meaning of it. The title does it justice. The two main character go on a road trip across the country, and take US Route 50, aka the “Loneliest Road in America”. Fancy, huh. It’s actually a thing, people, there’s a website and all. There’s a little brochure and stamp booklet you can ask Nevada to send to you before you decide to take this mini road trip. *cough cough* You can tell I’m totally interested. Haha. A girl in my art class once said “Before I marry a man, we are going on a road trip. If we can’t stand each other for two weeks in a RV, then I’m not marrying him.” I think every couple should challenge themselves like that. See what two weeks in an RV can accomplish. It might make your life a bit easier, no?

Now I know many people look down on fanfictions, but like many other things, if you find the right one, it’s the damn right one. This story…reached out and told my story, my story of being alone, my story of trust, my story of love, my story…of all the shit and crap that has happened in my life…my story of the future, because I know the future will be like this, I know that whatever high hopes I have, it is all just hopes, nothing more, nothing less. For one of the main characters in this fanfiction, it’s all about finding himself. For me, it’s about holding on to sanity.

Being lonely, sucks. Let’s start with that. Then, let’s continue with my whines and complains about life. I’m an only child. I’m Asian. I’m an atheist. I went to a small private, catholic school. I learned How to Speak, Talk, and Read Chinese 101 before English. I have an accent. I was (and still) made fun of. I look different. I grew up a loner. I never had a friend that lasted me more than one year back in elementary school. I lost the one friend I still had from middle school due to stupidity. I let my social life trample my academics life. I’m stupid. I fell out of consecutive honor roll status the third quarter of my sophomore year by 0.08 points. I’m stupid. I’m Chinese. I’m stupid. I don’t have a 4.0 GPA. I’m stupid. I have a 1760 SAT score. I’m stupid. I’m in college preparatory English class, not honors, not AP. I’m stupid. Are you annoyed yet? I am. I don’t have a great history you see, but I don’t have the worst. There are people out there that suffer through way worst situations, mind-blowing situations. But let’s not compare, please. Let’s just focus on the topic at hand.

Loneliness. Do you truly know what Loneliness means? It means no friends. It means no family. It means you lie on your bed and cry yourself to sleep. It means you walk the mall all alone. It means every path you take, you take it alone. It means every choice you’ve made, you’ve made yourself. It means sitting there, at your desk, and nothing comes to mind. No name, no face, no love. It means darkness. I’m a lonely person. Who’s to blame? People? Classmates? Education? Schools? Administration? Neighbors? or maybe you family, more specially, your parents. And I have. My parents are loners. They’re anti-social. Every single person I know, I know because of myself. Every single person they know, they know because of me. Every friend I’ve made, it’s not because my parents were friends with their parents, no! All I have now, I’ve worked for. I’ve worked for. But then how is it I’m all alone? I have parents, I have friends, I’m still a lonely person. I’m a lonely person because of ME. Who’s there to blame? Me. My choices. My choices. Your choices. Why are you alone? Blame yourself. You wouldn’t be sitting there if it weren’t because of you. Welcome to life people.

In a way, my story of life sums up to this. I grew up. Now I’m a Senior. Now, someone’s “life” story can either really really long, or too vague. That sentence was my “vague story”, but I hope to start a little journey story now, chapter by chapter. After all, it’s the chapters that bring “life” to life.

Onward, to my first chapter…my story about being alone.

There are…

There are things you want to write about…..then there are things you don’t.

There are things you treasure….and things you willingly discard.

There are things you accept…and refuse to knowledge.

There are things given to you….and things stolen.

There are three things you need to survive in this world: Intelligence, Connections, and Looks. It’s the sad truth.

There are a shit ton of competition out there…and then there is you.

A car on the highway doesn’t wait for an ant to cross the road. Do you honestly expect the world to wait for you?

A million people out there have there ups and downs. They cry. You cry. I cry. What makes you so special? What makes me so special? I love you. I loved you. I don’t even know you. But here is the secret: I don’t even know myself.

How does one move on…..how does one succeed, if one doesn’t understand oneself? But if you don’t move on…you’ll be crush, by others, by the new generations, by the past….when the past catches up.

I don’t know you, and I never will. I don’t know myself, and I never will. What I want to know…at the very least is if I could have one damn amazing future, surrounded with amazing friends…amazing colleagues….amazing everything. Should I even pray about this? I pray. I pray. I’ll continue to pray…catholic or not.

Pray.

Hope.

Dream.

Do you see me? Can you see me?

There are mirrors….then there are broken ones. Why are they broken? What is it you don’t accept?

There are rivers…then there are oceans. Who cried?

There are close friends……then there are friends. Who moved?

You did.

No, I did.

No, you did.

No,…